Monday, April 13, 2009

Getting at Mr. Pompous

Imagine you have this pencil that can make people hiccup. Or build flatulence or make them wince or twitch or wink or yawn! All you need to do is write down on a piece of paper the desired action while you picture the face of your victim. Sounds like roaring fun, ugh?

Imagine combining these twitches and winks and precipitating them at random or by design. That would be particularly handy at office meetings, wouldn't it?

Picture this. Mr. Self Important has just strutted into this terribly important meeting, late as usual. He thinks it makes a big impression. He's all fake smiles and then as he sits down he quickly explains it off with a "wasn't feeling well this morning... had to drag my self here."

'Hrump!' you sniff to yourself and write 'Flatulence' on your pad.

Mr Self Important suddenly goes pale with the wish-I-weren't-here look. You would too if you were in his shoes, trying mightily to stifle a fart in public.

That should fix him for a while you think, enjoying the looks on the pompous face, which is not so pompous now.

But nothing ever bothers Mr Pompous for more than the wink of an eye, or so he makes it seem. In no time at all he recovers. The self-important frown is back as he peers down his glasses at the lesser mortals round the table.

'Hiccup', you write on your pad in disgust. Promptly everyone's surprised by a loud hiccup. And another. Oh! You’re enjoying this! Ha! And furiously thinking up wicked combinations.

'Wince', you write and an already embarrassed Mr. Bumptious winces involuntarily, adding to his discomfort. As everyone looks on amused and some even frown, you quickly scribble a vile combination.

‘Hiccup’. ‘Wince’. ‘Hiccup’.

This is fun ugh? How about a ‘Wobble’ and ‘Clown Jig’ as well just as Mr. Self Important makes a hasty retreat after trying in vain to control his bouts of unexplained hiccups? Or how about 'Burp' and 'Fart'.

I leave the rest of the combinations to you. I know you'll enjoy it.

No comments: