Friday, July 24, 2009

How To Fart And Not Get Caught

So you know how to squirm. You know how to jam lock your release valve to prevent untimely escape of the wind genie. You even know how to blush a bright pink, come Armageddon.

Now learn how to pass the stinker with the finesse of a diplomat.

The trick, to begin with, is to release with at least token camouflage.

If you work on a shop floor you are one of those twice blessed ones who needn’t care a rats arse about the consequences of suspicious shifts in decibel and odor levels in your immediate surrounding. You are well camouflaged any way. And a fart or two wouldn’t bring the roof down.

But if you work in a nice-nice office with nice-nice people, you better learn up quick about out-smarting the flatulence genie before it’s too late.

Let’s suppose you’re at your nice-nice desk when the genie stirs within and gets progressively annoying. No amount of tightening your rear musculature is going to discourage escape. In fact you’ll only be walking into a highly explosive situation when the said musculature would willing give way, not unlike the pressure cooker on a bad day.

So before it gets fiendish, you must slowly slip to the rest room.Of course, nice-nice offices have nice-nice rest rooms. Make sure you have your all-is-well smile firmly in place. And don’t squirm as you make a beeline for the launch pad. That’s a dead give away.

To be continued…